Sunday, December 19, 2010


No, my horses didn't come in 22nd place in a race. They are still out in the barn in their blankets surviving snowstorm after rainstorm after windstorm. Nothing much to report there, but my husband and I had our 22nd wedding anniversary yesterday. We saw the movie The Tourist in a shockingly small theater. There were only seven rows of seats. We actually arrived early and didn't have much seating left to chose from. It's sad how a movie gets a few bad reviews and the theaters downsize it within a few days of its release to their smallest theater, assuming no one will want to see it because of the reviews.

I'm usually not one to see a movie in a public theater, but wait for it to come out on DVD. Much of the time the theater turns up the volume so loud that my ears actually hurt. I also have an aversion to the smell of buttered popcorn. It makes me nauseated. It grosses me out listening to the sounds of people eating so close to my ear. Then, of course, there are the kids who kick the back of your seat, people with body odor, people with bad breath, people with gas, and all the sick people who cough and sneeze on you. I'm a bit like the TV character Monk and try to avoid large crowds or situations where people are crammed together.

I tried leaving a seat beside me so I could breathe, but these people showed up who insisted that everyone stand up and move down to fill in one empty chair so that they could sit together. My husband and I ended up being surrounded by people eating buttered popcorn and candy. The lady beside me was opening individually wrapped candies so slowly that I was about to strangle her because I couldn't concentrate on the movie over all that crinkling. I did have an allergic reaction to something and rubbed my eyes raw. However, there were no kids kicking and the worst smell was the perfume of the lady beside me, so overall I got lucky.

I enjoyed The Tourist. From the reviews, Europeans love it while Americans hate it. We think it is probably too simple and slow paced for us Americans, but I was there to relax, and there was not one single moment in which it moved so slow that I was bored and checking my watch. In fact, I was surprised when the movie had ended. Had we really been sitting in there for two hours?

Plus, who doesn't love Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie? I've been a fan of Johnny Depp's since 21 Jump Street, which was the only show I watched religiously as a teenager, and I have been fascinated with Jolie's beauty and acting skills since Girl Interrupted.

My husband and I contemplated the ending and decided our own version of it would have been better. This is one of those movies that potentially could have come out with multiple alternate endings. However, it's chosen ending did not disappoint from the perspective that it forces you to think back to earlier scenes knowing what you know now.

Angelina's cat walk and booty shaking seemed a bit erratic. In much of the movie she came across as a sophisticated lady, head up, lips glued in the same expression, large cat eyes always wide open, never blinking, perfect posture, etc. However, there was one scene in which she shook her booty so hard she looked like a drunk side-winder slithering her way into a building. Both my husband and I thought that was beyond ridiculous, but it is a subtle comedy, and for $20 million a movie, Angelina Jolie can do whatever she wants. As usual, she is astoundingly beautiful in this movie. People in the theater gasped and commented on how stunning she was in the very first scene.

The setting of the movie is Venice, Italy and it really takes you into the culture, only instead of traveling via gondola, the characters get around in speed boats. Can you imagine stepping out of your hotel, calling for a taxi, and stepping onto a boat instead of into a car?

Just in the last few minutes of the movie, the perfumed, candy wrapper crinkling lady beside me farted. Loud. Loud enough for me to hear. I immediately put my hand over my nose and mouth, which must have embarrassed her, because she got up to go to the bathroom and never returned. Anyway, when the lights came up, I had to step over piles of candy wrappers left by the lady beside me. I was like, "Oh for Pete's sake! How hard is it to bring a bag for your own garbage?"

Some people truly believe it is the theater's job to clean up after them. I think my dog's butt is cleaner than that lady was.

After the movie, my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant and winery in town. It was one of those fancy places where you order a $10 glass of wine, and they deliver only a tiny bit in the bottom of the glass, but it was worth every penny of it, because it was best wine I ever tasted. My husband ordered a duck omelet and said it was fantastic. I had a delicious salmon fettuccine and penne concoction. It was well worth splurging the $16 a plate to eat something put together by a professional cook. I was starting to think that all American food sucks because I was tired of the same old, same old.

We were seated by a fireplace. I gave my husband his anniversary card and gift at the table, and the waitress inquired if it was a birthday or anniversary. I had hoped she was asking because they would give us a complimentary dessert, but it turned out she was just curious. I was too full from the pasta to eat dessert anyway. I gave my husband a new wallet with incredibly soft leather. He gave me a gift certificate to Staples, so that I can buy office supplies I need for my photography business. Woo hoo! You know what that means, don't you? Shopping spree!

I think I'll wait until the Christmas shoppers and after Christmas exchangers clear out, though. I don't want anymore farting incidents.


Ms Martyr said...

I like to go to a movie after its been out long enough to no longer be a must see event. Then the theater is usually practically empty and I can enjoy the movie in peace.
Happy anniversary.

duffylou said...

Congratulations! Twenty two years is quite an accomplishment and something to be proud of. I didn't make it past twelve so I am envious.

Sydney_bitless said...

lmao we had this guy fart super crazy loud once in the theater. Naturally my friends and I burst into a fit of giggles.

Happy anniversary. Only 3 more until 25.

Leah Fry said...

Happy anniversary! Like you, we rarely go the movies, but our aversion has more to do with how far we live from a theatre. By the time we travel both ways, watch the trailers, ads, and finally the feature, we've blown more than half a day.

Vaquerogirl said...

Happy Anniversary! You are the awesome!
I about snorted my dinner out of my nose when you wrote about the lady and her 'gas' problem! SO sorry it happened to you- but brilliant fodder for the blog!

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Happy Anniversary!

We don't do movie theaters much either. I also suffer the ear pain from the loudness.

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Can I first say you were so stinkin' hilarious in this post, you about had me wetting my pants, girlfriend! ROFLMBO!!!!

These are the phrases that had me snorting! They should go in a book or a movie somehow, someday! :-D

"she shook her booty so hard she looked like a drunk side-winder slithering her way into a building"

"the perfumed, candy wrapper crinkling lady beside me farted. Loud. Loud enough for me to hear. I immediately put my hand over my nose and mouth,"

"I think my dog's butt is cleaner than that lady was."

"I don't want anymore farting incidents."

You are way too funny!

I've not been inside a theater for about 8 years at least, for many of the reasons you mentioned. Plus it's just too expensive, especially for a family. Netflix or a rental is much more affordable and I can watch it in the comfort of my home, sans the smelly artificial buttery stink, the crinkly wrapper ladies, the smelly people and their perfume, the crowds, the germs, etc...

But the farting issue might not be guaranteed in my house, what with two teenage boys and a hubby that loves to eat spicy burritos. Peeuww! Gas mask anyone?


Happy 22 Anniversary you two!


fernvalley01 said...

Could have sworn I commented ! Happy Belated Aniversary

achieve1dream said...

LOL! This post is hilarious!!!! Thanks for the comedic relief.

Sorry you had to deal with the annoying lady, but at least it wasn't as bad as it could have been, for example no kids lol. I also cannot stand the smell of the nasty popcorn. :) I'm just glad most people finish their popcorn before the movie even starts lol.