Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Slow Hope

Everyone knows what a difficult year this has been for me.  I know it's not obvious by my blog posts, but I've been making a concerted effort to invest a lot of my thoughts into having faith and hope -- the premise being that positive thoughts attract positive events.  I'm desperate to get out of this rut in which I just keep getting bombarded with emergencies, bad news, bad luck and an endless slew of problems that line up and wait for me to fix them.

I made it for a few days without any major hassles beyond my To Do List growing faster than I can keep up with it.  So, today I decided to start a new To Do List that is just for today -- something much smaller that I can manage without imploding in on myself each time I look at it.  I was so confident that I could easily complete everything on the list, but right off the bat I ran into problems.  Long story short, I only got 3 out of 5 of the errands on my list done because I forgot something I needed to bring with me.  I just never seem to be prepared, even with all my lists.  I wouldn't be surprised if I have an early onset of Alzheimer's at the rate I forget things.

I decided to return home, get what I needed and head back out for a second round of errands, but when I got home, I discovered that Midge, my Corgi, took a turn for the worse.  She's been sick, but not sick enough for it to be obvious to us what the problem might be.  She's the sickliest dog we've ever owned, and we've probably invested well over $5,000 into her medical care over the years, the majority of it being lots of tests that tell us nothing and then her getting better on her own.  So, I don't like to race out to the vet the second she starts acting under the weather. 

I began flip-flopping around on whether to take her to the vet or not.  I felt there was a good possibility that she is simply depressed over my son disappearing off the face of the earth.  She spends a lot of time in his empty bedroom and waiting for him to walk through the door.  But then I think, "What if she has a fox tail burrowed inside some internal organ?  She'll need surgery to remove it before it can do anymore damage."

I went outside to feed the horses while contemplating what to do about Midge, only to find Lostine acting strangely.  She was running away from her food into the shade and jumping around.  I thought perhaps a horsefly was pestering her again.  Her vibrant chestnut coat tends to attract all the biting insects.

I sprayed her down with the new bottle of fly spray I had just bought at the feed store.  Then I saw her spread her front legs way out in front of her and push her back legs way out behind her, and stretch her belly. 

Damn.

It.

She had a case of colic.  I administered Probios and Bute, and then began the long process of walking her.  She was tripping and stumbling and dragging her nose on the ground, so I knew she was hurting bad.  Of course, my nosy neighbor had to come out of her house to watch.

I did something I've never done before during a colic episode.  I don't know if it was right or wrong, but Lostine felt overheated and it was close to 100-degrees outside, so I hosed her down to cool her off and bring her body temperature down.  Then I continued walking her.  She did perk up after her bath.

I didn't want to give my nosy neighbor the privilege of watching our every move, so I walked Lostine down the driveway and up the road out of her line of sight.  Unfortunately, I nearly ran right into another annoying neighbor who was making the rounds, probably trying to recruit people to join her church.  Trust me, this is not a church I want any part of.  It's one of those churches that makes money off of laying guilt trips on people. 

I immediately spun Lostine around and headed up my friend's driveway to avoid this woman and whatever negativity she was dragging along with her.  I was busy trying to save my horse's life and the last thing I needed was to be told that I'm a sinner and I must tithe what little money I have to this woman's church.  She followed me in her car for a little ways, but then gave up and went back to her house when I disappeared around the bend of my friend's garage.  Lostine perked up some more after our long walk, so I put her back in the paddock and am keeping a close eye on her now.

I've given up on finishing my errands.  Things kind of started going downhill after my husband announced last night that we have a gas leak behind our oven.  That was the first bad news I had heard in a few days and I just let out a moan and said, "Here we go again."

I dug my fingernails into the armrest of the couch like I was about to take off on another roller coaster ride against my will.

I'm so frustrated with all these financial hits we keep taking.  Every new problem costs money to resolve, and I've had more problems in the past six months than I've had in the past six years.  Every day when I go to the mailbox, I think positive and tell myself there is money in the mail and I am finally going to start getting reimbursed for all I've been spending paying off my mother's debts.  I open the mail and guess what?

I do find money in the mail.  Only it's not a large check from a life insurance company.  It's a nickel or a dollar bill sent by some charity with some kind of gimmick saying, "Here's some money.  Now turn around and send it back to us, but multiply the amount we gave you by 100."

Of course, there is usually a few hundred dollars in bill statements mixed in with the mail as well.

I really, really, really wish the world would stop making demands on me and help me out for a change.  I've been a good girl this year.  I've been settling my mother's estate, I've been helping out my brother every time he needs money, I haven't killed my neighbors yet.  What more do I need to do?  I've clearly communicated to both people and God what it is that I need, and I'm still waiting for someone to say, "Okay, you've have enough.  You passed the test.  Here's your reward.  Now you can get back to your life."

You know, it really annoys me that we pay our life insurance installments on time every month, but when someone dies and you need to cash in on that to pay for funeral expenses and debts, the life insurance companies sure take their sweet time in cutting us a check.  I feel like Lois Lane in a burning building waiting for Superman to swoop down and rescue me, and if I get any more roasted than this I'll be the main course on some cannibal's dinner table.

Ha ha!  That just reminded me.  For the past three days each time I have gone outside there has been a flock of vultures circling my head.  I'm not kidding.  Between that and my neighbors stalking me, the creepiness factor in my life has been taken to a whole new level.

Argh!  Just now the phone rang and it was some woman's voice in a recorded message yelling at me that there is a problem with my credit card account.  I freaked and overreacted by hanging up the phone.  I was just like, "I can't handle this.  I can't take one more problem.  I don't want to hear it," and I hung up.  Of course, now I'm wondering what the heck is going on.  We've had these calls before and they are triggered by identify theft flags.  Just what I need.  Sigh.  Why does life have to be so dang stressful?  Maybe I should give myself a shot of that Bute, hose myself down, and then roll over on my back and ask someone to rub my belly.  Maybe that will do the trick and help bring some normalcy back into my life.

8 comments:

Breathe said...

We had a horse start to colic from the heat here too. Our barn owner did the same thing and headed it off, he's fine now.

I am having a hard time staying positive too. We are getting hit repeatedly.

Lately I've focused on spreading joy, anyway I can. Compliments to people in an elevator. Thank you notes to people who have given me a hand. Nice emails to friends.

Because I know life is really rough for all of us. And maybe I can lighten someone's day just a little while riding the rollercoaster. Or getting mowed down by it.

Dreaming said...

You poor girl.... it seems that when it rains, it pours and you are in a deluge! I hope things get better - ((((( hugs )))))

Cheryl Ann said...

Take some probiotics and give yourself a shot of Bute is my recommendation! (just kidding!)...I really have no advice for you. Personally, I find that massive amounts of alcohol really help.

fernvalley01 said...

Awe hugs girl! CAnt hurt to get a belly rub, but I would skip the bute! Payers and wishes for some relief from stress for you

Fantastyk Voyager said...

I think the economy is impacting everybody. I alternate between being unable to function and major anxieties. Since my husband died I have been running a two income household on one income and the insurance proceeds are about to run out. Then what do I do? Run an ad: good man with money wanted. Yep, all I have left is my humor.

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

Fantastyk - I was wondering how you make it under your circumstances. I guess because most everyone else talks about good times on their blogs, I feel like everyone else is doing just fine and I seem to be the only one being picked on by the universe.

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Your life could be a Twilight Zone Series. Crazy stuff!

I wish we lived closer. I'd swoop down on you, like Superwoman, scoop you up, and take you out to lunch, do some letterboxing and then drive up to Santa Fe to spend the evening at the spa, hot tubbin' and being massaged.

I bet they would even rub your belly, too. :)

~Lisa

achieve1dream said...

I promise that you aren't the only one. I used to talk about my problems on my blog until I got repeatedly attacked and insulted by someone, so now I only post positive stuff. It does help in that it forces me to think of something nice to say, but other times it sucks when I just really need to vent. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I wish there was some way I could help.

For the memory problems have you tried taking B vitamins? I've heard they are good for energy and memory. There are probably other things that will help. I honestly think that all of my health problems are vitamin deficiencies from a crappy diet.

I hope you feel better soon and that everything settles down for you.

Also on the to do list, making a daily one that breaks it down into smaller steps is definitely the way to go. It's helped me out a lot for getting organized and making progress, but you can't let yourself feel bad if you don't get it done. I almost NEVER get everything on mine done. I promise you are not the only one. You just have to prioritize and let some of the unimportant things go. Stressing over the small things just isn't worth it. Keep working on the positive outlook. It took me a while, but it did finally start to help. Hugs!