Tuesday, June 25, 2013

How I Sprained My Thumb...

...on the opposite hand that I sprained my index finger on last week.

Let me begin by saying that there are two projects that I have been working on for years and I would like nothing more than to be able to finish them.  One is the novel I am writing while the other is a king-sized bed quilt I have been making.  I had some spare time and decided to work on the quilt while thinking about the next scene in my novel.  I should have known better.  Anytime I work on either of these two projects, all hell breaks loose and I have to abandon them, thus the reason why I have been working on them for years.

I just finished tying a knot and making a decision on where to start the next stitch, when....

1.  Something in the room started chirping loudly.

2.  I determined that the battery was getting low in the smoke detector.

3.  Midge started bouncing off the walls like she does during a monsoon or thunderstorm.

4.  I tried getting out the door to get a ladder, and she tried busting out between my legs.

5.  I shoved her back inside, got the ladder, but couldn't get it into the house because Midge was doing everything in her power to prevent me from getting into the house with the ladder.

6.  I locked Midge up in the bathroom and discovered that the ladder was too short.  I tried pulling out the knobs that release the latch to make it one long ladder, but it was jammed.

7.  In the meantime, I could hear all kinds of crashing going on in the bathroom.  I opened the door to find everything, and I mean everything, tipped over and/or broken just in the two minutes she was in there.  I had a wicker magazine rack that she chewed to shreds, toilet paper rolls were all over the floor, the trash cans were tipped over and their contents spread every which way...

8.  I pulled Midge out of the bathroom, rolled a sedative up in cheese, fed it to her, and put her in her cage, but not until after she ripped several electrical cords out of the walls and knocked everything off a shelf.  The only reason why I could catch her was because she was tangled in electrical cords.  I think it was somewhere in here that I screamed at the top of my lungs out of complete frustration, and then looked at the clock and realized that my neighbor might be home from work wondering if I'm being murdered.

9.  I got a rubber mallet and began beating the ladder latches until they opened.

10.  Once high enough to reach the smoke alarm, I removed the battery, but it kept chirping.

11.  I thought perhaps I had to reset something, so I pushed a button, and the smoke alarm went off.  I tried pushing the button again to stop it, but I couldn't stop the screeching.

12.  So, I ripped the smoke alarm out of the wall and threw it on the ground.

13.  The alarm stopped, but the chirping was still going.  How is this possible?  The alarm had no battery and no wires attached to it.  Something else had to be making the chirping noise.

14.  I think this was the point where I fell off the ladder.  Thankfully, I landed on my back on a very soft couch.

15.  I got up and listened to another smoke alarm that was nearby, but the noise was not coming from it.

16.  The noise seemed to be coming from the area where I removed the first smoke alarm, so I ripped all the cords out of the back of a nearby clock radio that had an alarm.  Still, the chirping continued.

17.  I turned off the TV to listen closer to where the chirping was coming from, and it stopped all together.  Logic would have it that the TV was making the chirping noise.  Do TVs have built-in smoke or fire alarms to let you know when they get too hot?

18.  I tried testing the battery from the smoke alarm to see if it was safe to put it back inside the unit, only to discover that my battery tester was broken.  Or perhaps the battery tester's battery is dead.  I swear -- I think everything I own is broken.  I'm about ready to hire somebody to go through my house and tag everything that doesn't work or is about to break or run out juice, and then do all the work of shopping to replace all that crap, so that next time I am in a bind, things will just work.

When all was said and done, I discovered that my thumb was swollen, in pain, and I could not bend it.  I have no idea when I sprained it.  I just know it happened somewhere between steps 1 and 18.

So, now I officially have a small broken bone in my right foot from kicking a 2x4 to wedge it under a boulder, a sprained index finger on my left hand from lifting a saddle awkwardly, a subconjunctival hemorrhage in my left eye from high blood pressure and God knows what else, and a sprained thumb on my right hand from some poltergeist activity.  I thought I told you to leave that voodoo doll alone, or at least bless it rather than curse it.  I'm thinking I might help myself to some of the dog's sedatives, because this is just plain crazy.

You know what the worst part is in all of this?  I can't hand-sew my quilt.

Obviously, I can still type, so I can work on my novel, but I'm scared.  I'm afraid that if I try, then a power saw will fall out of the sky and chop off all my fingers.


Reddunappy said...

Girl!! I dont know weather to laugh or cry!! Damn.

Cheryl Ann said...

Oh, my! Well, I stubbed my toe up at the cabin in the Sierras, and then I stubbed it again. And, this morning, while feeding the birds, I walked into a low-hanging branch and now I have a bruise on my forehead! Still, I'm not as bad off as you are! I suggest a few days off...just sit and read a book! :-)
Cheryl Ann

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

It didn't end there. Apparently, in the process of ripping apart the bathroom, Midge shagged a huge scorpion out from its hiding place and I almost stepped on it. I squashed it with a cowgirl boot. The stinger was at least an inch long.

Then, after spending an hour steam cleaning the carpet for the third time to try to get the water stains out from the kitchen plumbing disaster, I woke up to find dog piss puddles and piles of dog poop all over the place. Does anyone else own dogs that can't sleep through the night and hold their bladders and bowels, or is it just me?

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

Ignore the links in comments. I'm not creating them. That's just one more annoying way for Google to advertise. More evidence of our society inching its way toward Idocracy.

SheMovedtoTexas said...

Sorry you sprained your thumb, ouch!

SheMovedtoTexas said...

P.S. The links in your comments are probably from a browser add on/plugin. Google doesn't actually create any like that, and I don't see them because I don't have any advertising plugins :)

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

SehMovedtoTexas - Awesome! I'll dig around. It sounds like something got downloaded to my machine then against my will. I've been seeing ads everywhere. I can't even read my comments because the ads overlap them and I'm seeing advertising links inserted all over the place. I can't leave a comment on someone else's blog without an ad getting in the way.

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

I didn't find an add on, but the problem went away when I deleted all of my cookies.

Cindy D. said...

Are we like distant cousins or something? I swear that day sounds exactly like a page out of "A day in the life of Cindy"

sorry you sprained your thumb. Ice Ice Baby!