Monday, October 24, 2016

Simultaneous Chaos

I hereby dub that phenomenon in which everything happens at the same time, and I suddenly become aware of my need to clone myself infinitely as "simultaneous chaos".  Apparently, I am the only person on earth who experiences this insanity, because I know I have asked repeatedly on this blog if anyone else has all hell break loose in literally the same second like I do, and all I ever hear are crickets.  And a few snickers.  Don't worry.  I don't take offense.  It is funny when it's not happening to you.

I have learned to mutli-task, but I must confess that it's getting ridiculously difficult to prioritize and respond appropriately to every stimuli when one's eyesight and hearing are going down the toilet.  I'm really hating on mobile phones right now.  First off, I can't see shit on those tiny screens.  The other day a doctor shoved his phone in my face to show me a picture of his daughter with Adam Sandler and I just nodded and said, "That's niiiiiii-iiiiice," not seeing anything except a blurry blob.  After all, this was a doctors' office.  Who's going to wait for me to dump my ten pounds of garbage out of my purse to search for my reading glasses, right?

Then there's the ongoing problem of me finding out that someone has been talking to me or trying to get my attention for the past several minutes, and I was oblivious because I can't hear a dang thing, doubled with the fact that someone could wave his hand in front of my face and I would see it.  If I were ancient and decrepit, I suspect that people would expect me to be blind and deaf, but I'm just middle aged, so they receive no warning flags whatsoever regarding my condition.

Anyway, this morning I had two phone calls to make, and I was hoping they would only take a couple of minutes of my time.  First, I called the plumber and no one picked up.  I listened to the answering machine's spiel but got cut off by a beeping sound in my ear.  I pulled the phone away to try to look at the screen to see if my battery was dying or what.  All I could do was make out a couple of symbols.  One appeared to be a button I push if I want to put the current call on hold while I answer the other call, and the other appeared to be the button I push if I want to hang up and answer the other call.  I was looking for a symbol that would get the incoming call to stop beeping, so that I could finish my current call, but there didn't seem to be that option.  I hung up on the answering machine and found the person I was calling making the incoming call.

That creeps me out.  I've had that happen so many times.  Someone misses my call and calls me back before I can even leave a message.  Ahhhh, the wonders of modern day science.  I really miss the simplicity of land lines.

Unfortunately, this woman could not answer my questions, so she said she would have a technician call me back.  I hung up and realized that now I couldn't make that second outgoing phone call, because the chances were that the technician would call me right when I'm on my outgoing call.  I waited a while.  No call.  I had to get on with my day, so I called the doctors' office and right when I pulled the phone away from my ear to bring up the keyboard on the touch screen to dial the extension, a different screen appeared.  I was like, "What the hell is that?"

I grappled around for some reading glasses and couldn't find them.  I put the phone up to my ear and heard that beeping sound.  Damn!  I was right.  The technician was calling me right when I was dialing out.  I wish there were some way on my phone to turn on a setting that sends incoming calls directly to voicemail if I'm already using the line, because I don't take interruptions well.  I need to handle one thing at a time, or I start forgetting things.  Then I beat myself up for forgetting them.  I'd rather just not get interrupted than to have to find my reading glasses to see who's calling and make a decision on which call I want to honor first.  I accidentally hit the symbol that hangs up and answers the second call.  That's another thing I can't stand about touch screens.  It's way too easy to accidentally hit something you'd didn't mean to hit.

The technician set up my appointment, I got off the phone with him, and dialed the doctors' office again.  This time I made sure I had magnifying glasses on my face.  I set up that second appointment, but before I could get off the phone, I heard tires screech to a halt in my driveway and saw someone approaching my front door.  Of course, I couldn't see them clearly because I had magnifying glasses on my face.  Crap!  I'm on the phone!  Why does someone have to come to the door right now???

It was a delivery, so I was answering the door while talking on the phone.  I rarely talk on the phone and rarely get deliveries, which is what makes this all the more extraordinary.  I started making the dogs their lunch when the phone rang.  I put on my reading glasses and glanced at the number.  It wasn't anyone in my contact list, so I ignored it.  The person left a message, so I stopped to listen to it.  It was the plumber calling from a different number.  He said he had two technicians in my area who had nothing to do, and he wanted to send them over to my house right then because they were getting too booked up to do tomorrow's appointment.  He wanted me to call him back right away.  I did, and I agreed to let them come.

Then it hit me that I had to get the dogs outside to do their business before the plumbers came.  I still hadn't fed them.  We ran out the garage door only to come face to face with my next door neighbor's house painters.  That got my dogs riled up, and I had to drag them behind a wall where they couldn't see the painters.  I needed them to focus and get down to business, because the plumbers were going to be here any minute.  Stewie started growling at something else and I looked up to see a strange black car with tinted windows blocking my mailbox and part of my driveway.  I thought it was another unmarked post office vehicle delivering my mail, so I dragged the dogs further away where they couldn't see it.

But the vehicle didn't move.  It seemed to be parked there.  It didn't make sense that the painters would park blocking my mailbox and driveway, because their truck was in my neighbor's yard.  I got paranoid wondering if someone was trying to steal my mail, and I wanted to run over to investigate, but I had three dogs on leashes all peeing and crapping simultaneously.

Then I heard a loud crash and turned in the other direction to see Bombay kicking and trying to tip over an empty water trough.  I yelled at him to stop.  Now I was in a situation where I had to rescue the water trough before Bombay stomped dents and a hole in it, I had to rescue my mail from potentially being stolen, and I had to lock the dogs up before the plumbers arrived, but I couldn't get them to stop pooping.  Every time I dragged them toward the house, another dog would crouch down and poop a second or third time.  It was ridiculous.

Right then the car blocking my mailbox and driveway fired up its engine and pulled into my driveway.  I panicked thinking, "Oh God!  It's a religious group.  Poor timing!  Horrible timing!  Get in house quick!"

I dragged the dogs in.  It turned out that the driver was just turning around in my driveway, which pissed me off because every time someone does that, they kick our decorative rocks out into the street and I have to go out there with a push broom to sweep them back onto my driveway or we lose them.  There's a public turnout right across the street from my house, so I don't know why the driver couldn't have just turned around there.

I ran outside to make sure the mail was still in my box.  It was.  I picked up the mail and the newspaper, and turned around to grab the trash bin when I saw a man parked in front of my other neighbor's house taking pictures of a real estate sign that had just been installed.  I realized that the driver of the car that blocked my mailbox and driveway was probably with that real estate company.  Pretty much every time my neighbor hires another real estate agent, his or her business spills over onto my property and I find people not only parking on my property, but walking around in my back yard and flying drones over my back yard.  This means I'm going to have to put up with open houses every weekend and people blocking the gate to the bridle trails with their vehicles.  I had previously asked my neighbor to relay to the real estate agents to not let people block that gate, so it would make sense that the agent would choose to block my mailbox and driveway instead.  I am so beyond fed up with that neighbor and her real estate agents.  If anyone has a spare $600,000, please send it my way so that I can buy that damn house and get all these people out of my hair.

Anyway, I ran back into the house to deposit the mail and newspaper, but before I could feed the dogs, there was a knock on the garage door.  The plumbers arrived.  I always get weirded out when people just walk right into my garage and knock on the interior door.  What's wrong with the customary front door?  Of course, the dogs went nuts and I had to kick them out of my way to get out the door.  I got caught up in this flurry of information exchange.  The plumber wanted to go through my back yard to get to the fuse box, and I redirected him around the front.  The less familiarity people have with my back yard, the better I feel.  Plus, there is less of a chance for someone to step on a rattlesnake in my front yard.

This one plumber had no personal space and very penetrating eyes.  He was kind of creeping me out.  He looked very familiar, but I just figured he'd been to my house before.  I later realized that he reminded me of, and very well could have been, an actor I've seen playing smaller roles in a variety of TV shows and movies.  Actors do have to make money when they aren't under contract.  I have no idea what that actor's name is and wouldn't even remember specifically which shows I've seen him in.  I'll just have to keep an eye out for the next time I see him and look up his name then.

I went back in the house and finally fed the dogs on the third attempt.  Then I heard BANG BANG BANG and remembered the empty water trough.  On my way out to fill it, I wiped my plumbing appointment for tomorrow morning off my whiteboard and tried washing the ink off my hands in the sink, but there was no water.  Of course, the plumbers had to turn off the water to work on the water heater.  So, I kicked Bombay out of the stall and locked the gate to keep him away from the empty trough.  It's not like he doesn't have four other water troughs to drink from.

When the creepy guy had me sign the job agreement, he wouldn't let me take the clipboard from him, so I was struggling to sign it while he held it.  I was trying to pull it closer so that I could read it, but I gave up and just signed the damn thing.  In the meantime, the other plumber was asking me a question, and I had no idea until I heard this faint voice saying, "Ma'am?  Ma'am?" over and over.  Now that these guys intimately know all the contents of my garage and the location of my fuse boxes, I wasn't about to tell them that I'm deaf and blind, so I just apologized for being distracted.

It's been a busy day in the neighborhood obviously, so no horseback riding for me, even though we've got a sweet cloud cover going on.  It's supposed to get up to 98 degrees later this week, but I don't care because I'm going to be stuck in doctors' offices and can't ride the horses anyway.


TeresaA said...

*chirp* *chirp*
just kidding! I have chaos often and feel that I"m going to lose my mind. Your day sounds chaotic enough!

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

Teresa - LOL. The next person will have to say *snicker* *snicker* to make it complete.

My day hasn't ended yet. I went out to the barn to fill water troughs and Bombay had blood specks all over his tail and legs. I think he's been swatting fly larvae off his privates. That's another reason why I need summer to end. These flies need to die.

Then some of our lovely winter visitors decided that our dead end residential road was a good place to cruise around in their illegal off road jeep with a ridiculously loud engine. I had to stop what I was doing to give them the stink eye and let them know that their hobby isn't welcome here. If I don't do that, they'll keep coming back, just driving back and forth in front of my house every day and night. It drives me crazy listening to the noise and breathing in the exhaust fumes. I'm trying so hard to keep this neighborhood quiet, but the tourists really have no respect for the people who have to live here.

Yesterday I was trying to drive off a powered parachuter who was flying low back and forth along the bridle trails in front of my house. Then he flew right over my house and barn, spooking my horses and narrowly missing my power lines. Those things are noisy like a rider mower in the sky. So many jerks, not enough time.

Linda said...

That's funny, Teresa. Chirp, chirp. Honestly, I don't usually have the same kind of chaos you have. Mine always seems to be big things like people dying, getting sick--all at the same time--like last year. So, it's more tragic and sad. Yours seems more frustrating and nerve-wracking! In our old house, we were in the flight line of an airport--a small country airport, but it took federal funds, which allowed the military to use it as a training spot. It seemed like every beautiful day around dinner and lunch, when you'd like to be out on your deck, a huge military plan would fly what seemed like 50 feet from your face--low and slow--as they practiced landing and taking off. They'd make a circle and be right back. The house would shake, you couldn't hear anyone talk, it was pretty chaotic and awful. We moved!

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

Linda - Yes, I've been fortunate to not have any major tragedies. Frustrating and nerve-wracking is a good way to describe it. I just think about the number of minutes in a day and wonder why these things can't spread themselves out, because there's plenty of time. No need to all jump on me at once. I wish I could tell problems to get in a single file line.

We get military aircraft here too. I've been seeing jets flying in formation as if practicing for an air show. I saw a story on the news last night in which a jogger was complaining because a farmer was bee keeping too close to her jogging trail. The very day that the farmer was approached by the news about the problem, he got people out there to move all the hives. He said essentially that his rural area had grown into a city and there's no room for agriculture anymore, so he's moving out. I really feel for the farmers around here, because they can have a whole city built around their land overnight, and next thing they know, they can't operate their business anymore because of all the people redefining the environment.

Linda said...

That phenomena is happening everywhere. We live near an Air Force Base now and the population is starting to encroach on their area. Farmers are starting to sell of their land because it's worth more to commercial industry. I worry for our place--we're kind of in a bubble.